Sunday, April 13, 2008
Checking In
Wow, it's been a while since I last posted here. There's a lot to write about, but I'm fighting several different barriers.
First and perhaps most importantly, I've moved to a new apartment and a) I have no internet connection yet because the connection at my old apartment was under my name and there's a process to transfer it to someone else, and b) I have a lot of shit to do get my apartment together. In fact, the tasks often seem insurmountable.
Second, I've been undergoing a lot of re-evaluation since I went home for my nephew's baptism (I'm his godfather now), and I had a stirring experience at the church. Stealing a paragraph from an email I wrote to drinking buddy:
"We were in the church, and it has big windows that angle up to the sky so that, on a beautiful day, you are looking up at the sky and the clouds. This was obviously by design. Yet as I was standing there, looking at the clouds rolling by, I... I guess I was thinking about the things I'd done, like [REDACTED], and I... I prayed for forgiveness. It wasn't about invoking Jesus' name or anything, but just looking up into a promising sky and the way the clouds were drifting by, and feeling sadness for the things I've done (not guilt, not shame, but sadness) and asking for forgiveness. I think I was also asking myself for forgiveness, which is what I think Christianity is also about. When you ask God for forgiveness, you're also asking yourself. So I think that I've started the process of not obsessing over my faults while recognizing the emotional impact of the selfish way I've been living my life."
So anyway, yeah. I've got a lot of stuff to sort through, but I just wanted to get this post out because I tend to go through a lot of dry spells with posting, and it's easier to write when the ink is still wet.
First and perhaps most importantly, I've moved to a new apartment and a) I have no internet connection yet because the connection at my old apartment was under my name and there's a process to transfer it to someone else, and b) I have a lot of shit to do get my apartment together. In fact, the tasks often seem insurmountable.
Second, I've been undergoing a lot of re-evaluation since I went home for my nephew's baptism (I'm his godfather now), and I had a stirring experience at the church. Stealing a paragraph from an email I wrote to drinking buddy:
"We were in the church, and it has big windows that angle up to the sky so that, on a beautiful day, you are looking up at the sky and the clouds. This was obviously by design. Yet as I was standing there, looking at the clouds rolling by, I... I guess I was thinking about the things I'd done, like [REDACTED], and I... I prayed for forgiveness. It wasn't about invoking Jesus' name or anything, but just looking up into a promising sky and the way the clouds were drifting by, and feeling sadness for the things I've done (not guilt, not shame, but sadness) and asking for forgiveness. I think I was also asking myself for forgiveness, which is what I think Christianity is also about. When you ask God for forgiveness, you're also asking yourself. So I think that I've started the process of not obsessing over my faults while recognizing the emotional impact of the selfish way I've been living my life."
So anyway, yeah. I've got a lot of stuff to sort through, but I just wanted to get this post out because I tend to go through a lot of dry spells with posting, and it's easier to write when the ink is still wet.
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