Happy Fun Cog

I've been avoiding thinking about something, and I don't know what it is. I had a very productive day yesterday, in terms of cleaning up my kitchen and getting ready to take a long journey to see Satan's spawn. Yet today, I've done nothing. I've barely even left my apartment. I haven't gone to the gym to exercise, I haven't done any cleaning, I haven't done anything except putz around and play the Playstation baseball game.

More significantly, my face is itching like made and I'm constantly bombarded by the urge to jerk off or drink or both. This is unreal. I feel like the best thing I can do at this point is just keep myself from doing something like getting drunk, and hope that the issue works itself out or that it comes to light in some way.

This is driving me crazy. My mind is totally scattershot. I thought of a number of chores I can do, but they all involve me getting in my car and driving to one of the massive shopping centers around here to get things, and I can't bear the thought of being surrounded by traffic or having to deal with crowds right now. I feel intensely anti-social.

From what I know in analysis, I know that there's one thing or a couple of related things that are on my mind but I'm just not letting myself face them consciously for one reason or another.

UPDATE: I figured it out. I figured out what it was. I'd called my parents as I do every Sunday, and especially as today was mother's day. I was chatting with them and my mother said, "Did you find some place to walk?" See, my parents want me to exercise, as I should. Diabetes runs in my family and I'm out of shape. So they're right to encourage me to exercise. But there is something so demeaning about my mother asking me something like that (and not for the first time).

It came to me while I was reheating some vegetarian chili. Maybe the fact that it was vegetarian was the segue, but in any case, my mom's question popped into my head with an imagined response from me being me screaming at them that it's my life, and that I'd rather destroy my life than to have them try to constantly take ownership by pestering me and telling me what to do. They're not trying to take ownership, of course, but the sense that they do is a natural byproduct of a lifetime of them micromanaging instead of letting me make my own mistakes. Granted, diabetes is nothing you want to make a mistake with, and I again acknowledge the validity of my parent's concern.

But up to that point, I'd been having a productive weekend. I got a lot of shit done yesterday, then today was doing my laundry early so I could be free to leave the house and run errands. Then, suddenly, I just felt like I couldn't leave the house. I didn't even want to get in my car to go buy a hammer and nails so I could hang pictures up, or even to the grocery store to buy bread and cereal. It was an intense experience; I just couldn't think my way out of it.

Once I replayed that conversation with my parents, though, and understood what it meant, all of a sudden the lights in my mind came on. In situations like this, I feel almost a physical sensation when my mind un-blocks.