Happy Fun Cog

I've been thinking a lot the past few days about my anxiety levels at work, which, as always, are fairly high.

There are a lot of good reasons for me to be anxious at work - in my department, we often go through phases where a period of 2-3 months is composed entirely of (avoidable) crisis after (avoidable) crisis, spiced with miscommunication and simmered in resentment.

Yet, blessed with a clear head after a relaxing and meaningful vacation, I've taken a larger view and have come to realize that my stress and anxiety are still there when the crisis have gone. Why? Because I occupy my mind with resentment and envy towards others, and that's during the times when I'm not constantly worrying about the way that people are judging me and my performance at my job. This is a reflection the fact that I can't give myself any credit. I spend so much time looking for my own flaws and chastising myself that I completely diminish the things that I've accomplished or the value that I have in other peoples' eyes.

Because of this, I'm in a constant state of defensiveness. Every compliment to someone else on my team is an insult to me because, hey, if someone's not complimenting me then THEY ALL MUST HATE ME AND OH MY GOD SECURITY IS COMING TO TAKE ME OUT OF THE BUILDING AND ALL THE GIRLS ARE LAUGHING AT MY SMALL WEE WEE.

Or something like that. Though, truth be told, I also enjoy using "wee wee" as a euphemism for "penis" because it just seems... subversive.

But I digress. A significant portion of the stress and anxiety I experience at work is self-imposed. This is mildly true for most forms of stress and/or anxiety, but in my case, in this context, it is the undiluted truth, a raise-your-hands-to-the-sky-can't-you-feel-God's-love truth. What happens is that I get stressed out and uncertain of my value at work, so I soothe my worries by distracting myself with the internets which in turn leads to less work getting done which feeds right back into the anxiety. It's one of those self-fulfilling prophecy things, sort of like when Jesus Christ said, "And lo, my name and the values of love and forgiveness I teach will soon be turned into ideological weapons wielded by power-mad patriarchies throughout the world, and also result in the shittiest genre of rock 'n' roll ever. So sayeth the Lord."

So... yeah. Stop taking self so seriously, enjoy your accomplishments, positive thoughts begits positive experiences, wee wee is a funny word for penis, etc.