Happy Fun Cog

I think one of the problems that has plagued me for a long while is that I still look at college as the high point in my life (which it was, in some times) and that I am always subconsciously seeking to return to that place. I think that's one of the reasons that I had a drinking problem - I was introduced to alcohol in college and, like a lot of people, it played a big role in my life. So I think that by continually getting intoxicated, I was trying to return back to that time when I was continually intoxicated.

Now that alcohol is no longer a problem since I quit drinking, I have to deal with the fact that I'm still looking back at college as the high point in my life. Let's be honest - there's no way to recapture that time because I have to pay bills, and I have to worry about my job. So in that sense, idealizing the college years makes sense. It was a heady combination of adult freedom with no adult responsibility, and thinking and learning with no purpose other than the sake of thinking and learning.

As I confront a general sense of malaise and anxiety about the future of my career (though I loath the phrase because it gives the false impression that my working life has had any sense of cohesion or planning other than just moving forward), I keep returning to the idea of grad school. And grad school would be grand, no doubt about it. But I have to really think clearly on the topic because I have to make sure that I'm not just trying to recapture my past happiness.