Happy Fun Cog

That is an absolutely horrible title for a post, but I can't justify spending too much time on it. In a heroic gesture symbolizing my dedication towards being a productive type today, I hereby admit defeat on the post title and move on.

Today, like most Sundays, I am doing my cooking for the week. I tried a new recipe, a simple little thang for roast vegetables, and it worked out well. Not only that, but I did it while cooking a second dish. As I I enjoyed the fact that I was cooking healthy food and showing significant improvement in my cooking skills, I was struck by this image: putting the cooked food into the containers I use for storing my meals over the course of the week reminded me of looking down at a condom bulging with a big load of semen after a good fuck. The sense of triumph, of "Look at what I have created!" is similar and most satisfying.

What if the anger I feel isn't a problem with maturity or too much caffeine or a neurosis but instead a very visceral and true reaction against my implicit decision to settle into a life that is very different than the one I've always imagined?

What if I'm just a lucky guy from a middle-class background who doesn't appreciate how lucky he is to have a good job with health insurance, to have good health and a great girlfriend?

What if my soul is dying because I don't have the balls to do what it takes to make me happy and fulfilled?

What if I'm just wasting my time worrying about this stuff and missing out on enjoying on what I have?

What if all the above is true?

It's been announced at work that raises this year have been more or less been put on hold company-wide. I'm assuming that some people will make off like bandits, because some people can get rich in any set of circumstances, but for the most part we'll have no bonuses and no raises. I'm happy to have a job, let's be clear about that. But this is the kind of shit that generates long-term anxiety in large groups of people. I sometimes forget how blessed I've been by working for a stable company for most of my career, and it looks like this year is going to be a sharp reminder.