Happy Fun Cog

I've spent a lot of time during the past 5 years playing a military/resource management strategy game called Age of Empire; it's probably mentioned in the earlier archives of this blog. Before Thursday, I hadn't played it in almost a year.

But on Thursday, I found the discs for the game and spent a good chunk of Friday night, and almost all of Saturday, playing the game. At first, I couldn’t remember what it was that I found so appealing about the game. But I was soon re-addicted to it, to the point where I uninstalled it on Saturday afternoon because I felt like I couldn’t do anything productive as long as the game was an option; I reinstalled it with an hour and promptly spent another 2-3 hours playing it..

As Saturday came to a close,I felt a lot of frustration about the fact that I'd spent around 6-8 hours playing the game and had as a result missed a tae kwon do class that I wanted to take. It got me thinking about the balance I (and I'm assuming others) are constantly trying to strike between enjoying life (we've only got one!) and trying to be productive, not only in terms of necessary tasks like housework, but also in areas of self-improvement (like exercise) and hobbies (in my case, reading and writing)

That there is a balance to be sought is a given; if you’re relaxing all the time, you’re not doing anything with your spare time. But if you’re always working or otherwise doing ‘productive’ things, then there’s a very good chance that you’re not taking the time to appreciate your accomplishments.
Where it gets complicated for me is that I have an incredibly hard time being balanced about how I spent my time. I've never been able to strike a balance between the good and bad of everything. For example, pot. I’ve found that, in small doses, pot can be a real boost to my life. I’m a habitually anxious person, to the point where I have to wear a mouthguard at night because I grind my teeth so intensely when I sleep. Smoking a bowl or a joint can put me in a much better mindset and slow time down enough for me to remember to enjoy it. The problem is that I can't just smoke a bowl or a joint a couple of times a week. When I buy a bag of pot, I smoke constantly, putting aside all regular activities, until that pot is gone. As such, it has a negative effect on my life and I’ve more or less given it up.

On the flipside, I wasn’t balance out the energy and effort I put into my job in IT my first few years. Once I was assigned to the software which I’m still supporting today, I was quickly consumed by the work. Between the unstable code of the software and the mental instability of those managing the project, I quickly became burned out and resentful, something I’m still working on getting over years later. As a result, my job has been a steady source of anxiety and dissatisfaction.

So in closing... I have no fucking idea what to do except to keep moving forward and trying to find some balance in my life.