Happy Fun Cog

OK, the weather actually has nothing to do with anything, other than the fact that it hit 70 degrees today, after snowing earlier this week, which means, of course, that we're going to get snowed on again because Boston never moves away from the snow without a couple of weeks of gray, rainy days. But hey, it's a warm day and should be appreciated.

So here's another life lesson from tae kwon do. I went to a 'forms' class on Tuesday; in tae kwon do, a 'form' is a specific series of kicks, punches, blocks, etc., that have to be performed with the proper stances and rhythm. Each belt level has a form that you have to master before you can wear that belt (and I use the term 'master' loosely because we're all kids or stiff middle-agers).

So in the aforementioned forms class, the main instructor asked me if I'd be going for the next promotion test, which is on the 15th of this month. I said I hadn't thought about it, and he encouraged me to do so. I felt both cynical and hopeful; cynical because I thought maybe he was just trying to push me along so they could report to the head office that x # of people had been promoted, but also hopeful because maybe it meant that I was actually learning and growing and succeeding more than I imagined.

I had simply assumed that I'd have a while to go. I've been working hard but never thought to ask if I was ready to advance. I received my current belt in... January, I think. I'd been at the previous level, green belt, since June, when I returned to tae kwon do after a 5-year absence. Between June and January, I hadn't really thought to test for the next level. But the instructors encouraged me to test in January and I got my blue stripe, which was cool.

Now, they're saying I should test again, and I'm having this mental back and forth about it. I have a hard time accepting that I'm ready to advance because I don't feel like I am. But how much of that is because I'm a perfectionist or am somehow always putting myself and my capabilities in a negative light? I think this is how it is in other areas of life; I don't give credence to my own accomplishments and the effort that I put into things. I'm so focused on the negative that I don't take back and see the progress I've made and what potential there is for future accomplishments.

For another example, I've been using this blog to dwell on the negatives about my relations with women in general, but there's also the fact that, within the past year, I've made a close female friend and have also gone on more dates than I have in the past few years. Have I enjoyed great success in dating? No, but at least I'm doing it - in the previous 5 years, I'd gone on very few dates, choosing to spend most of my time getting drunk or stoned. So I'm clearly making progress, yet, as anyone who reads this blog knows, I'm focused mainly on the negative.

I could apply this lesson to other areas of my life; writing, my job, and so on. The end result is that I can never objectively know whether or not the encouragement of others is based in fact or on something else. As such, there comes I time when I have to decide whether or not I'm going to have faith in what other people are saying. I know I should, because I've proved to myself that I'm entirely too negative. But I just have a very hard time making that leap, even when that leap is the only way forward.