Saturday, May 02, 2009
Needless
One of the things that I've come to realize about myself lately is that I resent it when people need me or want to lean on me. I first started noticing in the context of my job. I'd catch myself becoming intensely angry over people looking to me for help, and eventually I saw the absurdity of it. I work in software support. People are supposed to look to me for assistance.
I think this is rooted in the fact that I don't want to lean on other people myself. I don't want to rely on anyone but myself. This is an illogical wish, and I know that. But growing up, I felt that the biggest sources of pain in my life were the emotional needs that I couldn't fulfill internally and so looked to others. I didn't look to myself to answer the question of whether I was a good person or if I was smart or creative or loved. I don't reckon that anybody, especially an adolescent, is really capable of that.
Still, as I tried to regroup from the emotional fragility I felt as I plunged into depression in my early teens, the thing that I told myself night after night, the thing that I literally chanted to calm myself down, was that I should never rely on anyone, that I only had myself.
I never did stop turning to other people for reassurance or help. The only thing I got out of it was a great big steaming plate of resentment and self-loathing for my inability to be truly independent. And now I'm turning that senseless negativity onto others whenever they implicitly or explicitly express their own needs to me.
I think this is rooted in the fact that I don't want to lean on other people myself. I don't want to rely on anyone but myself. This is an illogical wish, and I know that. But growing up, I felt that the biggest sources of pain in my life were the emotional needs that I couldn't fulfill internally and so looked to others. I didn't look to myself to answer the question of whether I was a good person or if I was smart or creative or loved. I don't reckon that anybody, especially an adolescent, is really capable of that.
Still, as I tried to regroup from the emotional fragility I felt as I plunged into depression in my early teens, the thing that I told myself night after night, the thing that I literally chanted to calm myself down, was that I should never rely on anyone, that I only had myself.
I never did stop turning to other people for reassurance or help. The only thing I got out of it was a great big steaming plate of resentment and self-loathing for my inability to be truly independent. And now I'm turning that senseless negativity onto others whenever they implicitly or explicitly express their own needs to me.
Comments:
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There are cultural and social pressures to be "independent", to not rely on others, to be strong, to not need people. The concept itself is an impossible falacy, as all aspects of human life, social and biological, have evolved in interdependence on one another and the universe. If you want something that does not exist, you will be unhappy.
# posted by 
: 6:33 AM
: 6:33 AM
Have you ever noticed how you use language to increase your emotional values?
For example, a previous post read, "I felt stupid and incompetent. Between the stress and the caffeine I'd ingested earlier, my jaw muscles were clenching repeatedly, almost spasming.
All I wanted to do was head back home to my apartment and crawl into bed, so sick was I with disgust and anger for myself."
When you could have said, "I didn't know exactly what was going on with this new problem, and, like anyone, I didn't want to look like an idiot, so I felt pretty upset. But in the end it all turned out all right. Silly me."
I think you should try avoiding your new-speak tactics where you raise the stakes of all your problems by using exaggerated language to describe them. The words we use do in fact make our conceptual reality. If you moderate your language you will probably moderate your emotions, giving you having a more balanced daily existence.
For example, a previous post read, "I felt stupid and incompetent. Between the stress and the caffeine I'd ingested earlier, my jaw muscles were clenching repeatedly, almost spasming.
All I wanted to do was head back home to my apartment and crawl into bed, so sick was I with disgust and anger for myself."
When you could have said, "I didn't know exactly what was going on with this new problem, and, like anyone, I didn't want to look like an idiot, so I felt pretty upset. But in the end it all turned out all right. Silly me."
I think you should try avoiding your new-speak tactics where you raise the stakes of all your problems by using exaggerated language to describe them. The words we use do in fact make our conceptual reality. If you moderate your language you will probably moderate your emotions, giving you having a more balanced daily existence.
# posted by : 6:40 AM
: 6:40 AM
I think you need to volunteer. You might be too absorbed in your own life. Your posts suggest that you spend A LOT of time thinking about your life and your emotions and your problems. Maybe stepping outside of this by volunteering at a soup kitchen, or at a children's hospital, would help you gain a different perspective on life. Instead of constantly obsessing over your own life, you might find some of the answers you are looking for by stepping back from yourself and paying attention to other people's stories.
Just a suggestion. It might be very valuable. (If anything else, it would surely improve your writing...give you new topics to talk about, help you to explore and create new characters and storylines.)
Just a suggestion. It might be very valuable. (If anything else, it would surely improve your writing...give you new topics to talk about, help you to explore and create new characters and storylines.)
# posted by : 8:57 PM
: 8:57 PM
Firefighter - that's an interesting idea and one with merit. But at the same time it's important to me to try and capture what it is that I'm feeling. If I were to start describing anxiety attacks as anything less vivid or stressful than they are, would that not turn this blog into basically self-directed PR? Again, what you're saying has merit, but I'm ambivalent about it in the larger context of the point of this blog.
Just Passing By - I agree. This is something that I've thought about for a while and, just last week, volunteered to spend part of this coming weekend volunteering at a community center.
Just Passing By - I agree. This is something that I've thought about for a while and, just last week, volunteered to spend part of this coming weekend volunteering at a community center.
Firefighter's comment was inspried by something that I mentioned the other day, and I'm glad you think it has some merit. You seem doubtful about employing that kind of tactic on this blog, but then again you often say that this blog is where you start to make sense of your thoughts and feelings - where better to begin?! I know you want to capture the of what you are feeling, but this implies that descriptors such as 'anger/loathing/disgust/rage' etc are more REAL than alternatives, like pissed off/irritated/etc... As firefighter says, it's not that you should sugarcoat the 'real' feelings with prettier/milder words, but rather your very EXPERIENCE of them is constructed by the words you use in the first place, - you might not be 'capturing' feelings so much as creating them.
# posted by : 6:31 AM
: 6:31 AM
typo above - should read 'i know you want to capture the vividness of what you are feeling'
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# posted by : 6:33 AM
: 6:33 AMSubscribe to Post Comments [Atom]
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