Happy Fun Cog

Something at work today, a mild thing but one that's stuck in my craw, reminded me of something that I often forget: I'm a bit of a narcissist. In my mind I often criticize people for that same point, but sadly it holds true for me. It's hard for me to deal with because I've oriented my life towards solitude, or at least towards keeping a barrier between my public life and my private life, such that looking at things almost purely from the perspective of me or how events impact me is a priori.

This is something that many people have a problem with, and I'm not describing my own narcissism from the perspective of melodramatically confessing to some perfectionist Thought Crime, or from the perspective of self-flagellation (though I do indulge in that quite a bit). It just... I feel alienated from the world around me and often feel like people in business or personal situations are striving to manipulate me. Yet at the same time I know that the right thing to do is have empathy and loving kindness for my fellow humans, and it bothers me when I can't do that. It strikes me on a very deep level as being immoral, a loaded word in our Christian culture (especially given that I grew up in the South), but that's how I feel.