Happy Fun Cog

I get angry a lot. I get angry way too much, at people and circumstances that don't call for such white-hot rage. And due to a confluence of events that I'm not sure I want to go into (not because they're mystical or illegal but because they're low-key, daily, and possibly non-causal), I find myself considering the fact that this anger is because I am angry at myself for living my life in a way that is not representative of who I am.

To take a step back: the title of this post, an oh-so clever reference to a fine piece of American literature, came to my mind after something that happened to me today. Long story short, I feel like I have no control over my own life, like I'm constantly doing the bidding of others. I was sticking to a rigid schedule for my day to get everything done before a 3 hour meeting and then another night of working on a project (I'm at work right now). Then, a colleague asked me to fix something for him.

It was a small, piddling thing, but unfortunately I'm the only one around today who could've fixed it. And it didn't have to be fixed today. But instead of saying, "I can't get to it today; I or someone else will fix it tomorrow," I immediately left my desk and went down and tried to fix the problem. I couldn't concentrate on the problem at hand because I was so mad about it and finally the guy said, "You don't have to do it now," and I took my leave.

This guy wasn't being an ogre at all. The problem is that I feel on a very basic level like I don't have ownership of how I live my life. So instead, I had to sit there and get angry and stressed about it until the guy released me of my obligation. This shit happens to me all the time. Today was just one of those days where such an event gets me thinking about larger themes in my life, not just the day-to-day work stuff but the big picture stuff. And yes, I did just go into the things that I said in the first paragraph that I wouldn't get into. Fuck you.

I've had variations on this basic thought process before, and have likely even recorded said thoughts on this here blog. But I never go back and read my older entries, so that gives me license to repeat myself. Hooray for convenient amnesia.

It's scary to think about because there is ultimately no recourse other than making major changes in my life. And honestly, I'm getting tired from all this goddamn work of changing my life. I move away from a bad living situation, I quit drinking, I get into martial arts and vegetables and get really healthy, I get more focused on my job, I pay off all my credit card debt, I get a real girlfriend, and so on.

And yet it never stops.

I keep thinking to myself, "There's got to be a way to make this job/career work." But at the end of the day, I just don't think it will do. I don't think that I will every be truly happy in this situation, or any office work situation that I can imagine. The bullshit is just too much. Or rather, no, the point of what I'm saying is that the bullshit is not too much, but the fact that it always seems like too much means that something is wrong.

I think I have to make a change, a big change. Shit, shit, shit. I don't want to think like this. But it all adds up. The fact that I'm constantly angry, constantly defensive... well, in theory, I could be a shithead, but I'm pretty sure that's not the case (a jerk maybe, but a shithead I doubt). The fact that my head is constantly filled with vile thoughts (racist, misogynistic, homophobic, violent) makes me think that I just have a lot of suppressed frustration and fear about the state of my life and I'm not allowing myself to see this.

People I trust have dropped hints that maybe I'm accepting a life that's not really good for me because I'm just so anxious for peace.

I'm not saying that I'm not irresponsible or not immature or not a jerk, but I think there's a good reason why I haven't put down firm roots, and why I find it so difficult to focus on my job, and that's because there's some powerful yet quiet voice in my head that's yelling "NO! NO! NO!"

It's just painful, you know, painful to keep questioning, painful to keep changing. Maybe it would be easier if I had the right girlfriend/wife... part of what I'm thinking now is that my current girlfriend is not the right one for me. She's great and supportive and funny and I love her but I'm realizing that I'm not really engaged on a soul level; she's not the kind of person who's going to make me be a better person or achieve new levels of maturity and thought. With her, I have to always play the role of the adult: no watching TV all the time, no eating pizza late at night, no this, no that. I love her, but she's not going to take me to a higher level. And I don't know if there is somebody who will, and I'm afraid of the loneliness.

Fuck, fuck, fuck. Does it ever stop? Does the questioning, the anger, the fear, does it ever stop? Am I suffering from Peter Pan syndrome by not wanting to settle down and get serious about the job?

No, it's not Peter Pan syndrome. I genuinely do loathe the idea of doing this work long-term. The paycheck is not worth the stress and unhappiness. The concept is just too damn flawed.

But I can't imagine anything else. Applying for grad school at the age of 35, especially for something as useless as an MFA? I wish I could outright reject it, given what a risky scheme it is. And I have rejected the idea time and time again. Yet it keeps coming back. And no matter how many times I try to embrace the idea of my current career, and the thought of committing to it further, I keep rejecting it.

And I should also point out that it's not necessary, not necessary at all, for this questioning/changing process to be fearful and angry. I've had moments of understanding, of transcendence, that were pure intellectual and spiritual bliss, like getting a handjob from a goddess. But bliss, unfortunately, is not a good vehicle for change. Bliss does not grab you and throttle you hard enough to shake you out of a voluntary coma of day to day life. Only anger and anxiety can do that.

So maybe, in that sense, being angry is actually a good thing. Huh. How blissful. Now where's my handjob?