Wednesday, February 09, 2011
Letter 5
Bill,
Have you ever read "The Delta of Venus?" It's a book of erotica written in the early 20th century by Anais Nin, a muse/lover of Henry Miller and an author in her own right. I want to say that you have read it because my roommate in my first semester of college had a copy and we may have discussed it at the time because I was so enthralled with it as it was the first 'real' erotica I'd read, everything up to that being something on the level of Penthouse letters. I bought a copy at some point last year, though it has sat mostly unread in the bookshelf near my bed.
I picked it up again last week and started reading. I was struck by one story in particular, a tale of a man who adopts a boy and a girl from an orphanage. I say 'a man' because the man's wife, a sickly woman, doesn't really figure into the story as she spends most of her time being sick in bed. Ah, the setup of old-school erotica. The sickly wife, not interested in sex, closed up in her room all day. These days, we'd look at the scenario and right about the healthcare problem in America. Fah, I say!*
As the boy and the girl in the story (they are not brother and sister) grow older, the girl falls in love with the boy but he is not interested in her. As they go through adolescence, he becomes cold and distant from her, thinking her a silly, sensual animal as he focuses on his studies and makes himself rigid (above the waist) with the self-righteous discipline of one who is gravely certain of the importance of his tasks. The girl ends up in the arms of her adoptive father and they become very familiar with each others' pubic regions. The boy finds out about all of this and as such comes (as it were) to realize his own conflicted feelings for the girl
This boy has a moment of self-realization, of understanding of the schism between his two halves - the scholarly, purposeful, self-righteous, and ultimately naive versus the sensual, emotional, and ultimately loving half. It's not a transcendent bit of writing per se, but it is genuine. More importantly, it resonates with me. I feel like there is a powerful split in me between such similar halves, and it's a problem that I feel is reflected in my current relationship. I think it's because I feel so frustrated with certain elements of my life right now (my job, the place where I live, etc.) that I subconsciously try to keep my emotional self at an arm's length. My instinctive fear, I think, is that if I bring the emotional into conjunction with the real, I will be overwhelmed by the frustration and the sadness of the things that are not going right in my life.
But I'm also frustrated with my relationship with my girlfriend. I find myself seesawing back and forth between whether or not I want to continue with the relationship or break up. I feel tripped up in my emotions in that I feel myself leaning towards breaking up, yet I am also aware of being mostly ignorant about my feelings for this woman (the schism described above). The longer the relationship lasts, the more it will hurt both of us to end it. I had a long talk with her yesterday, one that stretched on for several hours and many tears on her part. I veered between cool detachment and utter panic, with little time spent between those two poles. I don't want to describe the problems too much because I don't think it's appropriate for correspondence, but these issues aren't based on dramatic situations. It's more about a growing sense of our emotional incompatibility. I think that I will have to break off the relationship, but I just don't know if that's the right thing to do. And my girlfriend is no help - she has a long history of not acknowledging or dealing with the things in her life that are making her unhappy, and she reacted to my statements yesterday by just hugging me harder and harder. It was heartbreaking.
Lionel
* Any time a politician on TV starts talk about reproductive rights, they should have to intercut the speech with porn clips. Or if they're going to talk about the aging population and the impact of that on the economy, they should have to show geriatric sex. I mean, it happens. Let's not deny it as a society.
*************************
Leo,
As hard as it is to do when you're caught up in such a way, just try to take a step back and see what you're experiencing through the lens of the larger human experience, namely that this is the kind of thing that lots of people go through. I know that you don't want to make a mistake, and I know that you don't want to cause anyone emotional pain, but you have to accept that there is a very real chance that both things could happen regardless of what you do, or even whether or not you choose to do anything at all. What you are talking about is a relationship, a romantic relationship that is expected to end either in a breakup/dissolution, or marriage and/or children. This is one of the few genuinely black and white situations that you'll find in the day-to-day world of the adult. Anything you do or don't do is going to dictate the future of your relationship with this person. You can't avoid it. You can't get someone else to make the decision for you. You can delay, but as you know, that will only make it more painful for both of you.
You are, I think, addicted to the idea of having other people tell you what to do or feel. It's a bit of odd desire for an authoritarian relationship from a scruffy little liberal like you. The sooner you let go of your dependence on other people, or even your desire for their opinion, the better. Of course, you may also just not know what to do. If that's the case, just focus on it. Every time you're with the girl, don't just roll with it day by day - really think about whether or not you love her and whether or not you think a relationship with her is the best thing for you. And it's all about you, really. You have to do what's right for you. As much as I dislike the navel-gazing and selfishness that I think is inherent in the long-term psychotherapy that you've undergone, I think it is an appropriate way to approach this situation, if only because you'll make her miserable if you're miserable.
Plus, in the end, it's not a life or death decision. You're not in the military, issuing order that could potentially send men to their death. You're a yuppie with girlfriend problems. Embrace it.
Bill
Have you ever read "The Delta of Venus?" It's a book of erotica written in the early 20th century by Anais Nin, a muse/lover of Henry Miller and an author in her own right. I want to say that you have read it because my roommate in my first semester of college had a copy and we may have discussed it at the time because I was so enthralled with it as it was the first 'real' erotica I'd read, everything up to that being something on the level of Penthouse letters. I bought a copy at some point last year, though it has sat mostly unread in the bookshelf near my bed.
I picked it up again last week and started reading. I was struck by one story in particular, a tale of a man who adopts a boy and a girl from an orphanage. I say 'a man' because the man's wife, a sickly woman, doesn't really figure into the story as she spends most of her time being sick in bed. Ah, the setup of old-school erotica. The sickly wife, not interested in sex, closed up in her room all day. These days, we'd look at the scenario and right about the healthcare problem in America. Fah, I say!*
As the boy and the girl in the story (they are not brother and sister) grow older, the girl falls in love with the boy but he is not interested in her. As they go through adolescence, he becomes cold and distant from her, thinking her a silly, sensual animal as he focuses on his studies and makes himself rigid (above the waist) with the self-righteous discipline of one who is gravely certain of the importance of his tasks. The girl ends up in the arms of her adoptive father and they become very familiar with each others' pubic regions. The boy finds out about all of this and as such comes (as it were) to realize his own conflicted feelings for the girl
This boy has a moment of self-realization, of understanding of the schism between his two halves - the scholarly, purposeful, self-righteous, and ultimately naive versus the sensual, emotional, and ultimately loving half. It's not a transcendent bit of writing per se, but it is genuine. More importantly, it resonates with me. I feel like there is a powerful split in me between such similar halves, and it's a problem that I feel is reflected in my current relationship. I think it's because I feel so frustrated with certain elements of my life right now (my job, the place where I live, etc.) that I subconsciously try to keep my emotional self at an arm's length. My instinctive fear, I think, is that if I bring the emotional into conjunction with the real, I will be overwhelmed by the frustration and the sadness of the things that are not going right in my life.
But I'm also frustrated with my relationship with my girlfriend. I find myself seesawing back and forth between whether or not I want to continue with the relationship or break up. I feel tripped up in my emotions in that I feel myself leaning towards breaking up, yet I am also aware of being mostly ignorant about my feelings for this woman (the schism described above). The longer the relationship lasts, the more it will hurt both of us to end it. I had a long talk with her yesterday, one that stretched on for several hours and many tears on her part. I veered between cool detachment and utter panic, with little time spent between those two poles. I don't want to describe the problems too much because I don't think it's appropriate for correspondence, but these issues aren't based on dramatic situations. It's more about a growing sense of our emotional incompatibility. I think that I will have to break off the relationship, but I just don't know if that's the right thing to do. And my girlfriend is no help - she has a long history of not acknowledging or dealing with the things in her life that are making her unhappy, and she reacted to my statements yesterday by just hugging me harder and harder. It was heartbreaking.
Lionel
* Any time a politician on TV starts talk about reproductive rights, they should have to intercut the speech with porn clips. Or if they're going to talk about the aging population and the impact of that on the economy, they should have to show geriatric sex. I mean, it happens. Let's not deny it as a society.
*************************
Leo,
As hard as it is to do when you're caught up in such a way, just try to take a step back and see what you're experiencing through the lens of the larger human experience, namely that this is the kind of thing that lots of people go through. I know that you don't want to make a mistake, and I know that you don't want to cause anyone emotional pain, but you have to accept that there is a very real chance that both things could happen regardless of what you do, or even whether or not you choose to do anything at all. What you are talking about is a relationship, a romantic relationship that is expected to end either in a breakup/dissolution, or marriage and/or children. This is one of the few genuinely black and white situations that you'll find in the day-to-day world of the adult. Anything you do or don't do is going to dictate the future of your relationship with this person. You can't avoid it. You can't get someone else to make the decision for you. You can delay, but as you know, that will only make it more painful for both of you.
You are, I think, addicted to the idea of having other people tell you what to do or feel. It's a bit of odd desire for an authoritarian relationship from a scruffy little liberal like you. The sooner you let go of your dependence on other people, or even your desire for their opinion, the better. Of course, you may also just not know what to do. If that's the case, just focus on it. Every time you're with the girl, don't just roll with it day by day - really think about whether or not you love her and whether or not you think a relationship with her is the best thing for you. And it's all about you, really. You have to do what's right for you. As much as I dislike the navel-gazing and selfishness that I think is inherent in the long-term psychotherapy that you've undergone, I think it is an appropriate way to approach this situation, if only because you'll make her miserable if you're miserable.
Plus, in the end, it's not a life or death decision. You're not in the military, issuing order that could potentially send men to their death. You're a yuppie with girlfriend problems. Embrace it.
Bill
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